The Meaning Behind an Ex-Narcissist's Song: Understanding Hoovering
Ever encountered a situation where your ex-narcissist, after you started dating someone else and stopped talking to them, sent you the song Take On Me by A-ha? This act might seem out of the blue and mildly offensive, yet it serves a deeper psychological purpose. Known as ldquo;hoovering,rdquo; this behavior is a form of manipulation aimed at rekindling the initial attraction and getting you to comply with their terms.
What Does Hoovering Mean?
Hoovering is a term used in emotional manipulation and is similar to the actions of a fisherman who casts a lure to see if he can entice a bite. When an ex-narcissist hovers, they are trying to catch you in a situation where you will respond in a particular way, usually to placate or appease them.
ldquo;You need to block him on YouTube.rdquo; This advice is critical as engaging with this person's content can reactivate their behavior and lead to further manipulation.
A Fisherman's Strategy in Emotional Manipulation
The statement ldquo;they are like fishermenrdquo; is apt. Ex-narcissists set out bait, in this case, a song, and wait to see if you will react. Just as a fisherman casts a line and waits for it to be reeled in, a narcissist waits for you to react by commenting or expressing any form of emotion. Any reaction is seen as a possible catch, and the cycle of manipulation will continue.
ldquo;Do not bite!rdquo; Jenny advises. Reacting to the song will only give the narcissist what they want, which is your attention and emotional response. Reacting could mean putting yourself in danger again, as the response might be used against you, leaving nothing but feelings of hurt and betrayal.
The Psychology Behind Hoovering
Narcissists operate on a cycle: desire for intimacy and closeness, anxiety, devaluation, and distance. This cycle is driven by their fear of vulnerability and lack of trust. Even when they want the closeness and intimacy, anxiety can override their desire, leading them to push you away.
However, after a while, as the anxiety subsides, the feelings of love and intimacy resurface, causing them to re-engage. This re-engagement can be seen in the form of reaching out, sending the song, or making any form of contact. The cycle repeats, with the same pattern of behavior.
ldquo;They aren't special. They need intimacy just like everyone else, but they also don't trust intimacy when they have it. So, when the relationship gets to a point where you both start being more vulnerable, they get anxious.rdquo; This fear can override their desire for closeness, leading to devaluation and distance.
Even if you've shared a sexual experience, the bond is deeply rooted in the human brain. The act of sex, even multiple times, can seal the bond, making it inescapable. This is why these patterns often reoccur, no matter how much time passes.
The Complexity of Dealing with Narcissists
Dealing with a narcissist can be challenging, even for professionals with extensive training. The best advice is often to cut your losses and practice no contact. Continuing a romantic or sexual relationship with someone who has these tendencies is highly unlikely to be successful unless both parties share the same pathologies or have an almost perfect level of control over their impulses.
Hoovering is a sophisticated form of emotional manipulation that stems from deeper psychological issues. Understanding the underlying causes and the cycle of behavior can help you navigate these situations more effectively. Whether you choose to cut ties or try to move forward, being informed is crucial.
Hope this helps. All the best.